Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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