this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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