how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
