the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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