i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
