so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
