Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
