considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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