Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
