dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
