Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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