Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
