She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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