she woke up with a sticky ear
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize