everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
