Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Found your dick twin last night
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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