I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
