mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dude i'm inner monologue high
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
