Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
