looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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