Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
