I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
