god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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