We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
