my sisters under your porch take her home
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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