my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
