I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So squirting runs in the family.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
