Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
