An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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