she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
