a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
