I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
