He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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