You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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