seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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