Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
