Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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