I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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