Kiss
Puke
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
