apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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