I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
