just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
