Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
