You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I need to calm my uterus...
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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