theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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