Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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