So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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