Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
