My hand turned me down
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
