The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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