boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
