there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
