i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
