I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
