We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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