When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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