I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
